Talking is useless. Except talking for basic stuff, food, shelter, super market etc. talking is useless. I think being with others is the most difficult thing a man has to do in his life. I don't mind jumping off a bridge or eating a pile of shit by myself but doing the previous things with other people is so fucking absurd. I want to be a wise old Indian motherfucker with feathers on my head and talk about great shit and talk about the power of nature or the power of love or whatever but unfortunately i am just a man living in a stupid city like so many others. Movies are stupid. Music is stupid. I think almost everything is stupid. I don't hate life. I am just trying to understand it and until now i find it kind of stupid and with no meaning. I don't feel sad about it. Being sad is stupid too.

Tried to "customize" this blog. I think i failed somehow. I am not sure if the woman's face in the title is Madonna's or Marylin Monroe's. I think is Marylin Monroe's face. I sweat a lot. I rubbed my liver while i was in bed thinking about my future. I just realized that i was changing the letters in this blog making them bigger Arials. I woke up thinking i was extremely retarded. I gave money to some people and that people signed some papers that i don't know what they are, i was just told to give them the money and make them sign the papers. There are some beautiful girls at the bar but i don't want to go there and talk to them. The bartenders will make me feel sorry for talking to them. I want to say to everybody "i am retarded probably".

All is nothing. That was good. I just walked outside and realized that. "There is no need to curse" i said to myself. I cursed like 63 times at a wall with something hanged on it. A guy listens to dance music in the next accommodation. Feeling like an empty can of beer in the middle of Russia in  winter time. I write stuff all day. I don't like what i write. I check my fb page every 1 minute. Someone from fb chat told me that he hates fb and the photographs of people in fb. I said "That's normal". He said something about "pussy" and "no more" but i did not understand what he said. I am in love with a girl that i will never see or talk to again.

I am listening to Silver Jews after 5 years or something. I remember i wanted to be a drummer at first and then later i wanted to be a guitarist and then a vocalist. Now i just write stuff, not music, just words. I think playing music can be very tiring at times. You have to keep the time and all that. Writing is very different, more casual or something. I should not talk about these things. My friends will think that i am a weirdo. I think tonight is the night for short  posts. I don't know. This is my favorite phrase. "i don't know". Some girls laugh outside but i don't want to go there because i am still high from the weed and i feel depressed and i will say the wrong thing for sure. I want to watch a Woody Allen movie and be at my house on my bed. I feel castrated. 

I smoked weed for the last time i think. I will never smoke again. It makes my head very "pointy". It is like i am on a harder drug or something. I can't even write a right sentence. I think i will masturbate just to feel something else except my "pointy" head. I can't do that unfortunately. I am at work. I just ate 2 chocolate things from the kitchen. I hear some music that i don't really like. Now i hear some music that i like. I don't want to feel like a drug addict. I feel like an ex drug addict right now. I want to be funny and interesting and good. I feel that other people just don't let me be that things. 

GIANT cockblocking thoughts. My shirt smells like something that is not invented yet. Not bad, just not invented yet. Tried to sleep but i could not sleep. Thinking of the future and felt sad, alienated, angry and spiteful towards most things. At work trying to forgive myself for taking this job seriously. People looking at me and i look at my keyboard. People asking questions and i try to answer as best as i can. It is very hot, so hot i could pill my skin off with a spatula. I am not going to do that, i do not like spatulas, i think they are tricky. More cockblocking thoughts on the way that i can not stop. I think my cockblocking thoughts are so HUGE that actually cockblock other people who accidentally pass me by. Sent some things to persons with email and now i regret it. I want to go hunting and kill something with my bare hands. I want to inhale pure love from a thing that is full of it. I feel like somebody from True Blood. I wear a purple tie and it reminds me of my father digging the garden. A big guy just passed by and wore a pink shirt and was holding 2 glasses full of alcohol and speaking to a woman in an unknown language. I felt he was saying something very important to her. I want to stop "feeling" things for about 7 years and then have an apocalyptic dream and write a novel about it and then somebody very important asks me "what do you thing about people talking?" and i would say something like "things people say is nothing" or "i am nothing" or "i am you" or "nothing". Going down to the kitchen to try and find something interesting to eat. I will propably end up eating a 2 day watermelon from the fridge and have some more cockblocking thoughts.

this poem just got rejected from shabbydollhouse.com








Master of the world.



i write this and i am at my job.

i am feeling sleepy and i want to go to bed.

i can't go to bed because i am at my job and my job is a night job.

i would like to meet some new  people.

this seems extremely difficult right now.

i don't like to work and i don't like to be sleepy.

sometimes i like to be sleepy but not now.

i don't like to work, never again.

i want to be rich and beautiful and very rich.

i want all the universe to like me.

i feel kind of neglected from the world.

i hate myself for feeling neglected.

i want to be a powerful shaman or something like that.

i will lie to my boys apprentice shamans that i don't have sex with the girls apprentice shamans.

i will be the master of the world

and then the world will love me

because i will be the master of it.

then i will climb a big rock somewhere and i will say THANKS to all the things in the world

and all the things in the world will say back to me

NO PROBLEM with one voice

and the whole thing will be great and mysterious

and i wiil be the master of the world
for a very long time

and i will be happy

and everybody and everything will be happy

until nobody and nothing will be happy again.

I've been wondering why my head feels like a cucumber most of the time. I don't know. There are very few things i honestly know. I just watched a Tame Impala live video and Russian people look at me very intensely with sad eyes. I am at my job and some French people try to fool me and go swim in the pool. Somebody said something that sounded like "Je ne vaxiken". I don't know what is that. I can go on leaving with a cucumber head but i don't thing it will be the right thing to do. I think my body smells like a kitchen tonight. Some Russian people are waiting in the lobby. The word "lobby" reminds me of hobbits. I just told the people to come out of the pool and i feel alienated and sad cause doing my job is a bad thing and doing my job means i cockblock everybody who wants to have sex in the pool in the night. I eat cucumbers at my job, secretly from my fellow workers, because i believe that if i eat cucumbers all the time my head will stop resembling a cucumber. The ceiling fan sounds like a couple having sex in a broken bed. This sound is funny. I am having thoughts of leaving my job and grow a beard. Growing a beard is very serious. It is not easy. I admire people with beards, especially long and "stringy" beards. A car came by. It is the security guy. He is a nice guy and he always have a toothpick in his mouth and we mostly communicate with groans. Two nights before i just realized that the security guy is Italian. The coffee i am drinking tastes like shampoo.